Spy's 2017 predictions

Ricardo Simich,
Spy News,
Publish Date
Saturday, 7 January 2017, 3:33PM
It's that time of year again.
It's that time of year again.

A makeover for Bill English
After a mild drop in the polls, Mary English suggests to husband, PM Bill, that he may need to win over the Auckland vote with a makeover. Colin Mathura-Jeffree is called in and takes Bill’s Dipton chic to subtle new levels. We predict a new cropped haircut, merino suits and shiny new socks and ties for Monday to Friday at the Beehive, with much more fitted shirts and chinos for his casual weekend Facebook posts. The millennials in Auckland go crazy.

Former Bachelorette breaks up
The relationship of a former bachelorette will hit the skids. She’s blonde and a third person will be involved. There will be a magazine story to accompany the break up around May. Do not fear though, a happier story will follow in August — with the title “Cricket player bowls over jilted bachelorette”. Meanwhile, another former bachelorette will enter the world of adult entertainment.

An All Black engagement
After helping the Hurricanes to the finals against the Blues (sorry we can’t see who wins) in the Super Rugby Competition, All Black superstar Beauden Barrett will propose to long-time girlfriend — PwC Tax accountant Hannah Laity before the end-of-year All Black tour. He’ll do it with the help of the couple’s miniature Schnauzer Monty, who will carry the ring. We think Laity says yes!

Ratings winners
In the third season of TV3’s The Bachelor, we see two contestants following overseas trends and hooking up to make their own headlines. One early Bachelor rejection starts dating an early elimination from TVNZ2’s Survivor, and the new Bach has competition on his hands in the form of new host Dominic Bowden. In short, the most scandal-laden season full of new social media stars to boot.

Political reality
President Donald Trump will visit NZ during our election campaign — as no party leader can meet and greet him at this time, former supermodel Kylie Bax will take up the hospitality reigns. Trump’s sons will visit soon after and hatch plans to buy Michael Hill’s golf course, The Hills, in Queenstown with the proviso that Queenstown is renamed Trumptown.

The Big Name Affair
An affair that was successfully swept under the carpet last year will rear its sad head before Easter. One of the affected parties will speak out and a scandal will ensue. PR guru Michelle Boag will be brought in for damage control and her advice will make things worse.

Tourism and Showbiz
Numerous Hollywood stars will visit NZ, inspiring their social media followers into buying a fare to Godzone, but that will be nothing compared to what the Goodbye Pork Pie remake will do for scenic-loving visitors — it will be like Lord of the Rings without the CGI. Car rental fleets will buy Mini Coopers up large because of the demand.

The baby bump under the news desk
Is it Wendy Petrie, Toni Street, Samantha Hayes, Jenny Suo, Hilary Barry or Amanda Gillies? We can’t be sure — all we can see is a baby bump under the news desk. We have to be cautious with this prediction as it’s equally possible Simon Dallow, Mike Hosking, Mike McRoberts, Duncan Garner or Greg Boyed could just put on a lot of weight.

Breakfast Musical Chairs
Duncan Garner’s new breakfast show The AM will play musical chairs with one presenter. Just to keep the disruption happening over the cornflakes, TVNZ1's Breakfast will do the same — is it a swap? We are not sure, but viewers will be even more confused than they are now.

Joel Little — music dynamo of the year
With former collaborator Lorde dropping a few new singles at Coachella, producer Joel Little’s light shines equally bright, working with some of the biggest names in the music business. They’ll both be in the running for Grammy Awards again.

Max Key rides . . . the waves of success
With his dad, former PM John Key, retired from public life, son Max will grab the fame mantle of the family and release a new music video. His last video played well in Israel — so Max embarks on a DJ tour of the Middle East before joining his family for a holiday in Palm Springs. They say no to attending a nudist party with Paul Henry, and while dad John catches up with former President Barack Obama on the golf course, Max and Stephie network in the Coachella Valley planning their VIP access for the music festival.